"Growing up rather sheltered, you wouldn't think I would have run into any need to fight. And I didn't... much. But throughout my childhood, there was a reoccurring incident in which another child would attack me and I ran every time. I wasn't a coward. I even recall times when I did some things particularly dumb to prove I wasn't, including jumping into a yard with a really mean rottweiler in it to retrieve a toy that belonged to my friend that ended up in that yard. Luckily the dog wasn't there. (I was young!) For some reason I never understood and still don't, I had to apologize. Maybe it was for trespassing. I guess that was it. But that's besides the point. The point is, running away was the appropriate and right thing to do at that time. It kept my hands clean and blameless while the other got into huge trouble. Besides, I was small and not particularly strong, affectations my opponent claimed for herself. I did have one talent, though, and that was getting away without getting hurt. I guess I just developed an intuition that told me when it was going to happen. By the time I was nine, those incidents died away and were passed off as passions of a child. Fine by me, but the memory of never even once standing up for myself haunted me. In my opponent's eyes, I was weak, a pushover. I could ignore her passive aggressive remarks just fine - which took the place of physical aggression. She could push and push and try to make me respond and I wouldn't budge, but neither would I push back. I wasn't afraid! But it just didn't occur to me that that could possibly be the right thing to do. No one told me that, no one manipulated me into believing that I couldn't stand up for myself. As a young child, however, "standing up for myself" and "getting into a fight" got mixed up in my mind. Ever after, I'd fantasize stopping her. Fighting back. Not letting her tread on me ever again! Now, I was bigger, I was stronger, I was smarter. Whether all those statements were truthful or not, they were what I told myself. The anger festered and grew without my even realizing it was there. But if it ever happened again... if it ever happened again. And it did happen again. I didn't even know I was angry until I realized she was jumping at me with her hand outstretched to slap me. Who could have thought that the whispered word NOW could be so stock full of meaning. It didn't matter whose fault it was or what I should have done, that less than a millisecond told me more about myself than hours of thought could. NOW you can prove yourself. NOW you can put into reality all your fantasies. NOW you can have revenge. NOW is the time. It was most likely the shortest fight into the world, if it even counts as one. I countered her and she ended up on the ground - I never was quite sure if I pushed her there or if she fell - and then I shouted, 'Stop it! I can hurt you. I can hurt you now!' Her older sister stepped in, then the parents. No one was in trouble. I don't really know why. You'd think a fourteen year old attacking her fifteen year old friend for irritating her and being "uncontrollable" (and I quote) over the weekend was a bit more worthy of a good talking to than when a four, six, or eight year old did it. But that's not for me to say, it was quite enough for me to decide I no longer wanted to live under this. I may not be allowing her to bully me into doing things, but that's still not the same as not letting her bully me at all. My mind was made up, I needed to respect myself and stand-up for myself. I consulted my parents and a mentor, explaining what I wanted to do, and asking for the best way to do it. Two weeks later, I gently broke the news that it was time to go our separate ways. I wasn't angry when I told her. I was sad. We had many great memories and in a way, I knew I could spend the rest of my life putting up with it. But that was stunting my growth and hers.
Am I proud of myself for fighting back? You know, not really. The satisfaction I thought I'd feel wasn't there at all. I reacted out of anger and the past. But my choices afterwards to respect myself I am fully proud of. I made the hard decision to stand up for myself. And you know what, we had many mutual friends, and I know that between me and her, many of them are going to choose her. But now I've had a chance to grow, build new friendships I couldn't before, and respect myself.
I know it sounds selfish to say you need to put your health first, but it's not. How can you grow into the person God has made you to be if you are letting someone suck it away from you? And how does that benefit the other person at all? It's true they may decide to go down the tube and blame you for it, but now, they are taking you with them unless you let them go. Who knows, they may realize the consequences of their actions and turn around. Whatever the case, fighting because you don't want to be weak or a coward is weak, but standing up for yourself - even if it requires some fighting - is healthy and good!"
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You're worth it!
-Lynsi Keye
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